From this angle I understand completely why someone would want to start dating younger women, yet I struggle with the implications on a larger scale.Posttraumatic Stress Disorder - Partners With PTSDBy definition, PTSD lasts at least a month but the difficult cases last several years. Not all survivors develop the whole PTSD pattern, but they may have some of the symptoms mentioned above. This information on PTSD in Children and Adolescents is provided by a National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet. By Jessica Hamblen, Ph.D. Recently, I read a really interesting piece by Raul Felix about the Generation Y Division that inevitably exists, based on those who entered the military versus those. It's like having insight into my dad's head. He suffered from PTSD from Vietnam. The army denied his very existence for 20 years after he came home. BikerPlanet is the dating capital of the top 5 biker dating sites reviewed by both our editors and customers who are using them, because it provides not only. PTSD Clarinet Boy is an advice animal image macro series based on a double exposure portrait of a redheaded boy dressed in a school band uniform holding a. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) consists of common symptoms displayed by survivors after natural or man-made disaster, combat, serious accident. The person with “partial PTSD” doesn't qualify for the medical diagnosis, but still needs your understanding and help. However, many survivors of trauma have more than PTSD. Complications of PTSDSome survivors have additional medical and psychiatric conditions that complicate and prolong PTSD problems. Common among these are preexisting personality disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, depression, chronic pain, and bereavement. Childhood Abuse. Personality disorders may last a lifetime and include such traits as dependence, avoidance and a very insecure sense of self. This is not the place to discuss personality issues in depth. But it should be obvious that anyone who was severely harmed by a parent (incest, physical abuse, neglect) will adapt in ways that may expose her or him to further abuse from authority figures. Your partner may have PTSD related to early abuse and later abuse. Unfortunately, this is very, very common. For these survivors of childhood oppression, PTSD is less than half of their burden. A much larger issue for these partners is knowing whom to trust, when to trust, and how to trust. For now, let’s just agree that exposure to cruelty from a parent (or parent surrogate) creates more than PTSD and requires more information than I can give here. Alcohol and Drug Abuse. Alcohol is such a common “fix” for insomnia and anxiety that most of my patients have reported dramatically increased use after major trauma. Many become alcohol dependent. Sometimes prescription drugs (often painkillers) or illicit drugs (often marijuana) are chosen and used, not for recreation, but for sedation. This may be the case with your partner, and if it is you face additional risks and burdens. PTSD plus alcoholism is more likely to become a chronic condition. PTSD plus pain from injury is likely to prolong recovery and include self- medication. When the trauma includes death of a loved one, normal grief is complicated by inescapable images of unnatural dying (see articles by E. K. War creates the battleground for all these complications. Veterans of War and Violence. Alcoholic survivors may be males with PTSD from combat or from violent incidents that resemble combat. We shouldn't stereotype by gender, but I must point out that the “caregiver burden” for the wife of the traumatized vet is usually different than the role of the husband of the victimized wife. The male veteran with PTSD has a greater likelihood of being angry, aggressive, uncommunicative, secretly embarrassed and difficult to reach than the female with PTSD. Partners of male veterans have been systematically studied. A collection of these studies by Drs. Calhoun and Wampler in the National Center for PTSD Clinical Quarterly (2) includes the statement, “almost half of these women (partners) reported having felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.’”If you are a wife or significant other of a veteran who has become seriously impaired - and is also menacing to you because of PTSD, you are advised to seek professional help for yourself. However, Calhoun and Wampler caution, “many veterans suffering from chronic PTSD are openly distrustful and may view the involvement of their partner (in therapy) as a threat.” Somehow, you the wife of the veteran, need to assure your own physical safety as you learn to reduce your “caregiver burden” and help your husband overcome the anguish and humiliation of chronic PTSD. The emerging literature on “caregiver burden,” aimed at helping the help- mate, justifies therapy and counseling and support groups for the partner of the person with chronic PTSD. Handling traumatic stress in a loved one is very stressful for most normal, caring partners. And the source of your partner’s PTSD need not be anything as dramatic as combat or violent crime to justify your own self- help. One of the most common causes of PTSD is the automobile accident. Partners Helping Partners with PTSDMy guess is that, initially, most readers of this article will be women who have been abused and who want their partners to have reasonable expectations and to be supportive. Their partners, primarily male, will then read these words. But regardless of your gender, let me now speak specifically to you, the partner of the person with PTSD. I'll use “her” to refer to the partner with PTSD, but this applies equally to same- gender partners and women helping men. Flashbacks. Your partner may have had a flashback at some point, or may be having them now. Flashbacks are not the same as epileptic seizures, but we can consider them equally sudden, violent, and debilitating. You wouldn't want to elicit a flashback by mistake. In general, you can help with flashbacks by knowing whether your partner has them, and learning whether your presence during an episode is comforting or not. Don't ask about the details of a flashback, since that might bring one on. Do ask if you have ever been particularly helpful in preventing or minimizing flashback effects. Build upon your natural ways of being supportive, and upon your partner’s individual needs. Some partners want to be physically embraced. Others are made more anxious by a man’s touch. Some partners do want to tell you details of terrifying memories, and they may want to repeat these details as a way of overcoming the threat. If it helps your partner, lend an ear. If you can't take it because you become too angry with a perpetrator or too overwhelmed with empathy, point that out. But be caring as you explain your limitation, and do your best to find ways of increasing your emotional resilience so that you can be an effective listener. If your partner knows you are working at being able to handle her trauma history, you'll be respected rather than resented. If your partner is in therapy and her therapist has not done anything to help her overcome flashbacks, she may need a better therapist. Not every licensed mental health worker can treat the cardinal symptom of PTSD. I use something called “The Counting Method” (see http: //www. Others use EMDR or “re- exposure therapy.” These techniques all allow survivors to remember their most traumatic moments (to the point of having a flashback in the office) but to get to the end of it and to eventually become confident about their ability to remember at will. In essence, your partner retrains her brain to have “cool memories” rather than “hot memories.”She literally learns to remember using the normal brain pathways rather than the PTSD pathways. Unfortunately, it is a painful process, like resetting a broken bone. I try to keep it as brief as possible, while getting the job done. You can help by assuring that your partner finds her way to an effective PTSD specialist, if she needs one. Trigger Events. Does your partner have other, less dramatic problems associated with unwanted recollection? She may have “anniversary reactions” in which a seasonal reminder causes her to have sensations rather than memories. She may find that certain people or places bring back ugly images and sweaty palms. No harm in asking about this. In general, help her avoid these unwanted triggers with dignity. But if she chooses to risk confrontation (and possible PTSD symptoms) help with the plan. It may include a quick escape from her step- father’s house. It may require you to be near- by as she deals with a family dinner and formerly abusive relatives. The worst thing you can do is to set the agenda for her. That would be giving sugar to a diabetic. You'll know if you are on the right track. You'll get positive feedback. Emotional Distance. What if your partner is numb? She has little or no outward expression of feeling. You even wonder if she loves you. Do not add insult to injury by blaming her for PTSD. Don't rush her into intimacy. If she is seeing a counselor, ask if you can come, too - or if you can visit her therapist alone. This is called a “collateral visit” and is covered by most insurance companies. Not every therapist allows this but I'm always interested, if my patient approves. This is my chance to explain the issues that I'm writing about here, and, more important, to listen carefully to the partner so that I can help him help her. Often I hear the question, “When is she going to get over it?” This is a proper question to ask, and if I cannot be accurate to the day, I can often explain what is going well, what is taking time, and what I expect in terms of the rate of recovery. Overcoming that numb feeling and the distance from a loved one that accompanies emotional anesthesia is never easy to accomplish or to predict. Medication. Your partner may benefit from medication. One of the newest anti- depressant drugs on the market is Lexapro. A very small dose (1. PTSD. Lexapro is the active ingredient of Celexa and both drugs are selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). You can read up on the medications and be able to discuss them intelligently with your partner, should she find herself undecided about medication. When a person has major depression in addition to PTSD, it really is a “no- brainer.” Antidepressants are like insulin to a severe diabetic. Without them, the risks are high (prolonged depression, medical impairment, suicide). Antidepressants help over 7. I usually prescribe a SSRI for someone with PTSD and depressed mood. Minor tranquilizers such as Xanax and Ativan are often helpful in the beginning, when symptoms are most intense, or during times of re- exposure to people and places associated with the original trauma. Unlike the antidepressants, however, these drugs can become habit- forming. And they do not mix well with alcohol. Several types of medication help with sleep. Trazodone (originally marketed as Desyrel) helps with early morning wakening. After An Affair of the Mind. After the Affair. Should I Stay or Go? Betrayed Spouses Often Experience Symptoms of Post- traumatic Stress Disorder. By, Laurie S. Hall. Vicky pulled the bottle of Viagra out of her husband Tom’s medicine cabinet. The recently dated prescription label on it said eight tablets. There were four pills in the bottle.“When I saw the bottle, I knew instantly that none of the missing four tablets had been used with me because Tom had lost sexual interest in me two years earlier,” said Vicky, whose name has been changed for privacy reasons. I was sick to my stomach when I realized it was because he’d been cheating on me.”As a society, it seems, we have cheating on our minds. In recent years, famous cheaters have included Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Bill Cosby, Jack Welch, Prince Charles, Frank Gifford, Kobe Bryant, Paula Zahn, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Gary Condit, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, and a randy group of Desperate Housewives. Has adultery been mainstreamed? A University of Chicago study found that in any given year, four to six percent of marriages experience infidelity, with 2. The University of Michigan’s General Social Survey discovered that 1. Although the studies point to between 1. After reviewing 2. Shirley Glass, known as “the godmother of infidelity research,” concluded that 4. Don- David Lusterman, author of Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide. Even so, sexual behavior data from 5. Glass’ findings, based on her clinical research in Baltimore, MD, was that the majority of men who have affairs characterized their marriages, including their sex life, as . A lot of people who see themselves as loving and devoted can find themselves in this dilemma.”“Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs. The observed increase in women’s infidelity is because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men,” Dr. Glass wrote with Jean C. Staeheli in their 2. NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. Lusterman’s clinical research has shown that affairs can be about a deficit in the marriage as well as a deficit in the cheater.“People become disheartened about the marriage. So, they engage in an illusion that someone else will meet their needs,” he said. They see themselves as Don Juans. They’re so empty inside that without getting their score, they feel dead. It has nothing to do with love or sex, it’s about getting filled up.”The trauma of adultery. Whatever the cause of the affair, discovering it is often extremely distressing. Vicky’s husband had talked about flying her down to the city where he was on business so they could be together for Valentine’s Day; but, it hadn’t worked out. So, on Valentine’s Day, he’d sent her $3. That evening, he’d called Vicky and said, “I’m so sad you’re not here, I’m going to bed and curl up with a book.” Instead, the trail of time stamped receipts showed after he had hung up, he went to a bar, picked up a girl, and took her to a nearby hotel. Hours after she’d discovered the receipts and the Viagra, Vicky sat curled up in a corner. According to accounts in the New York Daily News published the day after Richard Cohen found a diary illustrated with photos in which wife Paula Zahn laid bare her alleged affair with his pal, the married Conti. Group CEO Paul Fribourg, “Richard felt like he’d been stabbed in the heart twice when he found out his wife had been cheating with one of his best friends,” one of the tycoon’s pals said. Their families skied together in Aspen.”. I didn’t realize he was going to pull the trigger.”. She made an impact among marriage therapists by saying that betrayed partners in adulterous affairs often suffered from post- traumatic stress similar to that experienced by combat veterans.“The discoverer is profoundly traumatized,” said Lusterman. Your marriage is very important to you and if you really believe the contract of monogamy still applies, it’s a terrible shock because your whole life is tied up in your marriage.”It’s the deception that hurts even more than the fact your spouse has been having sex with someone else. Deception is inherent in the definition of infidelity, says Lusterman. Upon discovery that they have been deceived, betrayed partners are often especially harsh with themselves for not seeing it coming. After she discovered her husband had been cheating on her, one woman said she felt she ! I never pieced it together. It never even entered my mind,” said Lusterman. What is happening is they are sensing the loss of the person they thought they knew. They say that they no longer know whom they are married to or what their marriage stands for. The most severely traumatized are generally the ones who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. However, even someone who is suspicious and is initially relieved to learn that they weren’t paranoid, has difficulty accepting the reality of a partner’s deception.”. Mc. Greevey, as he announced before TV cameras that he was “a gay American,” later said the Mc. Greevey’s relationship was over once he came out. Her decision to end the marriage wasn’t a knee jerk reaction. Several years earlier, she had discovered pornography on their home computer. Not wanting to shame her husband, Vicky never told anyone. Instead, she spent eight months reading about the effects of pornography. Alarmed, she lovingly confronted her husband about what she’d discovered. At first, he denied using pornography, accusing Vicky of viewing it; but, then he relented and agreed to go for counseling. They sought out a counselor who had experience dealing with pornography addiction. The counseling did not go well. After that, Vicky never again found evidence of pornography use. Although in the intervening years, the marriage was sexless by her husband’s choice, Vicky and her husband had wonderful times together. I’m so lucky to be married to her.’ Everybody thought we were the ideal couple.” When she discovered the affairs, she realized the pornography addiction hadn’t gone away, it had just gone underground and escalated into full- blown sexual addiction. Her decision to divorce came after considerable research about sexual addiction.“When I hear of multiple affairs, I know I’m dealing with a Don Juan who hasn’t quite come out,” Lusterman said. But, while he’s filling up his inner emptiness with what he calls a victimless crime, he may also be exposing his wife to sexually transmitted diseases.” “When the wife finds out what’s going on, she’s enraged, hurt and angry. She needs to tell him, . Otherwise, he’ll continue having affairs. It’s a very sad thing to work with people who are so empty and don’t even know it.”Because of all the crazy emotions swirling around when infidelity has been uncovered, therapists caution that wounded parties should take their time sorting through their options. Shirley Glass offered these tips for deciding whether to throw in the towel or pick up the pieces: Throw in the Towel: If partner has no compassion for your pain. If partner justifies the betrayal or minimizes the significance of the infidelity. If partner continues to lie and deceive you. For this reason, he believes that most marriages do not end because of infidelity. They end because people didn’t know how to conduct them.“When I see a couple who are not communicating about important things, who go day after day and never talk about what hurts them, I know there’s hurt underneath that can lead to problems,” he said. So, if they’re going to save the marriage, people really have to develop a method of speaking with great honesty.”Part of being honest is being forthcoming about the details of the affair(s). This doesn’t involve every gory detail about breast size, penis size and exactly what happened between the adulterer and his lover. Once that’s done and some comforting occurs, then we can work on “normal” marriage problems.”One of things Lusterman works very hard on is to get a level of conversation going where the betrayer can become empathic to the level of suffering they caused their mate. The betrayer also has to deal with the post- traumatic stress they caused their spouse. Victims feel like a rapidly cycling bi- polar. He’s five minutes late for dinner. When he does show up, she’s loaded for bear,” he said. Lusterman believes the betrayer must help the wounded spouse become comfortable again by telling them whatever it is they need to know to feel safe and the person who has been hurt needs to learn how to take a step back from strong emotions and say, “I’m having a really crappy day. Can you be there for me?”“When couples can do this, they have really learned how to talk,” Lusterman said. The more you talk, even if the outcome is the sad ending of what you started with vows, the better off you are, because even if the marriage is dead, the other person is still alive and you will need to cooperate about your kids. Keeping the conversation going keeps you from losing the ability to be a full parent,” said Lusterman. Whatever you decide to do about the marriage, the effects of betrayal can be long lasting. While Matos Mc. Greevey said she is moving on, even dating, she has lasting issues trusting others. Online support forum. Divorce Information. A clearinghouse for divorce information, including articles and research. Marriage Builders, Inc. Links to articles to build mutually enjoyable marriage and section on recovery from infidelity. Smart Marriages, founded by Diane Sollee, Director of Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC. Articles, Books, Audiotapes and Videotapes, Directory of Marriage Education programs, Annual conference. The Healing Heart, www. Affair Recovery Forum — for the betrayed partner. New Life Partners, www. A Christian online resource and support group for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction.
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